I remember when I was a little kid and everything was fun! There were very few things I couldn’t turn into some sort of game or adventure. Even places I did not want to go or events I did not want to take part in I was somehow able to find the fun in it and almost always ended up enjoying myself. Somewhere in the process of growing up I abandoned that ability and recently realized I could hardly find even one thing I did just because it was fun. I’m not saying I should treat life as a game or made up adventure like I did as a kid, but I would love to recover that ability to find the silver lining in whatever it is I am doing. I realized that everything I do has so much purpose, determination to learn, or pressure attached to it that I don’t even know what I actually enjoy anymore. I’m not sure what I do just because. Because it makes me feel alive. Because despite everything else I can’t help but laugh my head off. Because it makes me feel connected to God as the One I enjoy life with. I have become way too serious in my approach to life.
A year or so ago I would have sworn that I didn’t care what people thought, but I have discovered that so much of what I do is connected to what I think people will think. Or at least what I think they will think. I was having a conversation with a friend not too long ago where I stated that there was some style of something that I didn’t think I could pull off. She said she thought I probably could I just wasn’t used to it on myself. She is probably right. There are probably many things that I truly could pull off and really do like but I have tailored what I wear, what I choose, where I go, and the way I do much of what I do because of what I think others will think about what I choose. I told her I just don’t want to be that person who thinks I can pull something off only to have everyone else looking at me going…really? The truth is, I have held back in so many things, even though I would like to wear it, try it, and go there just because of fear of what someone else might think about it.
Well, I have decided I am tired of living that way. Bound. Afraid. Limited. God is taking me through a process of actually finding out who I really am in Him. Not who I have been expected to me. Not who I have made myself look like. But who I truly am. Who He made me to be. I am going to learn again how to enjoy life day and see the fun in life. Jesus came to give us life more abundant and for too long I have just been trying to get through the day. I am sure it will be interesting and surprising both to me and those who are watching me go through it, but I am so excited for the freedom that will come through this process!
